Shipping and Handling --> Lila Sawyer
by King Cheetah

While everybody loves Raymond, evidently NOBODY loves Lila...
well, Arnold maybe but I'll get to that in a bit. This has always
rather baffled me because if you watch the episodes very
carefully, you really don't have much reason to hate her.
Introduced in the second season in "Ms Perfect" (episode #206)
it wouldn't be for another year in "Arnold and Lila" (episode #314)
that she'd start getting up the nose of dedicated Arnold/Helga
shippers. All told she' only prominently featured in six episodes
involving Arnold:

Episode #206 - Ms. Perfect

Episode #313 - Arnold and Lila

Episode #318 - School Play

Episode #407 - Love and Cheese

Episode #411 - Weird Cousin

Episode #502 - Helga's Masquerade

Episode #503 - Big Sis

Episode #517 - Timberly Loves Arnold

Episode #517 - Eugene, Eugene!

I opted not to include "#511 - Arnold Visits Arnie" and "#514 -
Married" because Lila is a weird dream world version of herself
and not really related to the actual character in the show. Having
pretty much written Ruth Mc Dougal out of the major plot threads
in "Arnold's Valentine", the writers needed another foil for Helga,
and therein lies a point that I think many fans and fictioneers
overlook; Lila isn't a character, she's a plot device.

Her soul purpose in the show is to be a focus for Arnold's
pointless obsessions (dude, no means NO!), and a focus for
Helga's teeth grinding, but is this warranted? Well... After "Arnold
and Lila" , our resident redhead spent the rest of her episodes
asking Arnold to please keep his hand's to himself (LITERALLY
in the case of "Weird Cousin"). She is also only one of two
people that Helga has actually confessed her feelings for Arnold
to (and yes, while Phoebe obviously knows, at no time does
Helga actually come out and tell her). So then, what to do with
Lila in your fanfics? Hmmmm...

1) "Shut Ub... Ah'm Nawt Drunk an' You're Ever Sho Shtupid!"

Like Phoebe, puberty could be either kind or cruel to Ms. Sawyer
and knowing you guys, it'll probably be the latter. She might be
pretty and easy going (not little miss popular, a welcome part of
the crowd) or possibly near sighted, acne scarred and with 18
lbs of braces jutting from her gums. Likewise, it's easy to
imagine her peaking somewhere in the sixth or seventh grade
and having a rough time of it in high school, and just like
Phoebe, I see her not dealing with not being exceptional very
well. From here you could split into two camps of thought; White
Lila and Black Lila and the possible story hooks for both are
pretty mouth watering. Either way, you could see her getting into
and out of trouble just like any of the other girls in the cast.

2) "Here Helga, you and Arnold take MY concert tickets..."

White Lila, pretty, pleasant, modest and funny. Always good for a
favor or to just listen to your problems... pretty much as they
wrote her in the show. While I imagine her being less annoying
in manner by the time her freshman year rolls around, you could
still have fun playing off her naiveté and innocence. From Sid,
Park and Stinky ceaselessly macking on her to falling prey to
the dishonest intentions of roguish sophomores
(horrors!). You could have all manner of fun as Helga, Rhonda or
Sheena work to keep her out of trouble. Alternately, she
becomes Rhonda's right hand girl as she attempts to break into
all the right cliques in this and the higher grades. I also REALLY
like pairing up Helga and Lila as best friends, as you'll see in
"Lonely Girls" and a few other upcoming stories. Whatever
happens, I just hope she starts dressing better...

3) "Now Rhonda, on your knees and beg for the privilege of
licking my shoes..."

Black Lila; To Mega Thereon, the dragon lady, the spider queen.
Gossamer fine are her intrigues and subtle are her foul
schemes. Guileful and cunning, she is the Fu Manchu of the
high school and no bit of villainy that happens does not bare her
mark. She would come into conflict with any of our heroes only if
they got in the way of something she wanted. Rhonda could fall
prey to her desire for social dominance, Phoebe becoming her
indentured homework slave, and Helga the constant thorn in her
side as she undoes her plots one by one. Okay, a little over the
top, but what the hey, if you have your heart set on Lila as the
heavy, why pussyfoot around? The real story ideas would be
similar to the above, only to a lesser degree, most probably
butting heads with Rhonda constantly over who'll rule as Miss
Popularity.


4) "Um Helga, why must I buy your condoms?"

Okay then, let's think outside the box, shall we? In "Lonely Girls",
I set up a rather plausible condition for Helga and Lila becoming
best friends, caught between the Olympian conflicts of Rhonda
and her social Magog, Katrinka. In "Ball and Chain" Helga the
struggling writer is sharing an apartment with Lila the exotic
dancer. In "P.S. 218" Lila is Helga's Jiminy Cricket, being the
voice of reason in preventing our favorite blonde bombshell from
getting into too much trouble. If you think about it, you can have A
LOT of fun with Lila without having to build the case that now all
of the sudden she needs Arnold like she needs air. I've also got
a little something cooking involving Lila and Phoebe called "A
Murder Of Crows", but you'll just have to wait for that one. ^__-


Anyone else have any thoughts on this?